Let me first clear the air by saying that “no one is perfect”; we all make mistakes. Quite often our mistakes are what make us the people we are today.  As a baby we learned to walk through a series of mistakes be it falling down or getting our feet stuck in places where they should not have been.  It was a process of learning that we had to go through; eventually we mastered walking upright.

As a baby or child we may have gotten upset or cried when we encountered some form of failure, but being unaware of our limitations we quickly let it go and moved on to the next exciting thing. However, as adults we tend to hold on to our setbacks and we use them to define who we are. This creates a “victim” versus “victor” mentality.  

I remember attending a three-day, intensive self-development conference several years ago. Tired and exhausted from the first day, on the second evening the participants questioned the lead facilitator as to why we were being held so long in the room with very few breaks and ending so late in the night. To our surprise he confidently explained that we were adults and we had trained ourselves to hold on to our failures for well over 20 years. It was therefore taking a long time for us to achieve our breakthroughs.  Our failures had, over time, become barriers preventing us from leading fulfilled lives. To add salt to the wound, he told us that there was a group of children in the next room who had started the program at the same time as us. Having fewer failures to cling to, they had already achieved their breakthroughs earlier in the afternoon and had gone home!

Here’s what I learned about getting over our setbacks:

Step #1: Stop and Breathe

Mistakes or failures can be like quicksand. The more you struggle the more you sink. It’s no good trying to fight something you’ve just done with the feeling of regret and defeat.  Sometimes it is best to stop and simply breathe. It reminds me of a character that actor Nick Nolte played in the movie “Affliction”. A father down on his luck tries to make his life better for himself and his daughter but the more he tries the worst his situation becomes. I won’t spoil the ending for you but I remember thinking to myself, “Why won’t he just stop? Can’t he see it is not working?”

Give yourself time to calm down and regain your composure; it is hard but you have to let it go.  Stopping and breathing provides more oxygen to the brain which will help clear your mind.

Step #2: Acknowledge That You Made A Mistake.

Acknowledgement is the first step to recovery.  Also look at why and how the mistake occurred.  This is the time for reflection and true honesty on your part. Pretending a problem isn’t there will not help you to move past it. Identify what habit(s) or characteristics you need to change to create a better outcome.  For example, perhaps you are always late for appointments; how is it starting to affect your personal or business relationships?

Step #3: Take Baby Steps:

Don’t try to tackle the problem all at once, take baby steps to reduce your frustration. Are there at least three things you could do differently to get a better outcome next time? To address the issue of lateness, do we need to get more sleep, set early reminders on our smartphones or cut back on the number of things we schedule in an average day?

Small changes will allow you to grow into the space that change creates. Sometimes, it just takes one small change to make a big difference.

Step #4: Create a S.M.A.R.T. Plan:

Creating a plan requires you to make sure it is Specific, Measureable, Attainable, Realistic and Timely. The point of this step isn’t to rationalize unhealthy choices; it’s to identify positive things you can continue to do to move yourself forward.  Remember to write it down. That which is not written is easily forgotten.

In our example of always being late, you could go to bed an hour earlier at least three to five times per week.  Set reminders on your smartphone two hours before the agreed meeting time.  And lastly, every night commit to planning your next day before you go to bed and reviewing your schedule for the rest of the week.  All of these actions qualify as a S.M.A.R.T. plan. 

Step #5: Love And Forgive Yourself.

This is probably the hardest step. At times I am my worst critic.  I have learned over time to be more gentle and forgiving of myself.  When I ask people what they do not like about themselves I often get a long list of things which could be made into a book or movie.  However, when I ask what they like about themselves there is often an awkward silence followed by a struggle to identify a few good points.

Why is that? Why do we find it hard to talk positively about ourselves?  Part of the reason is based on how we were raised. We have been taught never to boast about ourselves and right now that childhood lesson is hindering us from living a happy fulfilled life. 

To overcome this, every morning I started to list five things I was grateful for.  When it became easy, I increased the number to 10 things.  And when that became easy I increased the number up to 15.  The key to this exercise was I could not get out of bed or start my day until I accomplished my gratitude list. Overtime, it became easy and my outlook on life started to change.

If it is a struggle for you to list things that you are grateful for, ask people in your life to list the things they like or love about you. Write them down so you do not forget.  Standing in front of the mirror reading what they have said will bring you closer to loving and forgiving yourself.

I do agree that standing in front of your mirror saying “I love you” may feel awkward or seem a little silly, but if you do not love or respect the person in the mirror how do you expect people to love or respect that person?  Being comfortable with ourselves allows us to better manage life’s occasional setbacks.

So the next time you experience a setback in life, don’t beat yourself up. Instead, Stop And Breathe; Acknowledge That You Have Made A Mistake; Take Baby Steps to start the correction; Create a S.M.A.R.T. Plan; and most of all Love And Forgive Yourself.